Conscience
by obsessed1
Summary: Tag to Miller’s Crossing. Sheppard is having a hard time dealing with what he did.


Title: Conscience (1/1)  
Author: Obsessed1  
Character(s): John Sheppard/Rodney McKay/Ronon Dex.  
Genre(s): Stargate Atlantis: H/C -Angst  
Rating: T  
Warnings: Nothing too explicit.  
Summary: Tag to Miller's Crossing. Sheppard is having a hard time dealing with what he did.

The voices worked their way into his dream.

"_I wouldn't wake him up; he's only just gone to bed. Been up half the night with his sister-"_

And then, strong uncaring hands were shaking him.

"Wake up McKay!"

"What?" McKay pushed his face into his pillow, "What is it? Is there a problem with Atlantis? Tell them I'm dead."

"Get up!"

McKay turned and Ronon was half illuminated by the light creeping into his room. Not his room, he reminded himself, a room within the SGC that barely resembled adequate accommodation for a man of his standing.

"What is it?"

"We've got to go pick up Sheppard," and Ronon didn't sound all that pleased either.

"What time is it? Sheppard went to bed hours ago and-" he checked his watch, "It's _two_ o'clock in the morning!"

Ronon threw his pants at him, "Get up."

McKay reluctantly left the warmth of his bed and pushed the covers aside, blinking tiredly as he hauled his pants up, "What's he done?"

"Needs a ride home. Called from some bar."

McKay was still feeling groggy and he tried to take in what Ronon had just said, "He's at a bar? I thought he was asleep."

Ronon stood and waved the soldier away at the door. He gave him an apologetic look before disappearing.

"Okay and you need me _why_?"

"Need someone to drive."

"So now I'm reduced to Sheppard's chauffeur? Why can't he get a taxi or…..he's drunk isn't he?"

Ronon shrugged.

"Fine. I'll get my keys."

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McKay yawned as he drove and all the while Ronon was shifting beside him, leaning forwards and inspecting the dashboard.

"Would you just sit still," McKay snapped.

It had been a long, difficult couple of days, what with his and Jeannie's kidnapping, the nanovirus and the wraith and-

The radio suddenly started blaring and McKay promptly turned it off.

"I like to drive in silence, _si-lence_."

Ronon gave him an irritated look and started fiddling with his seatbelt, "Still can't get used to this."

"What cars?"

"Seems unnatural."

"Oh and stepping through Stargate's, meeting aliens and flying spaceships is the epitome of normalcy."

Ronon wound the window down, "I don't know what you just said but……yeah."

Of course he'd find that normal. McKay sighed and squinted through the windshield. He hated driving at night. He hated driving when he was tired. Moreover, he hated driving with Ronon in the car. He was like a large tattooed dreadlocked child.

"How did Sheppard even get out here?" McKay asked watching as they approached a small town.

Ronon was pressing switches again.

"Would you mind? I'm trying to concentrate."

"Sorry," and Ronon sat back, crossing his arms and going silent.

He and Sheppard had been acting cagey since the incident with Wallace. Neither of them had spoken to him and even now Ronon's silence seemed abnormal. But then, Ronon was difficult to read at the best of times.

"This is where Sheppard is?"

In his peripheral vision he saw Ronon nod.

"This place is……"

"Looks okay."

"You would say that! It's seedy and it's in a bad part of town and we'll probably come out and find the car on fire."

"Wouldn't be a bad thing."

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Ronon entered the bar first, hand tensing by his side even though he wasn't armed. Ronon hadn't been happy checking his weapon in at the SGC but then they were supposed to blend in when they were on Earth. Ronon _only_ just blended in.

The bar was dark and smoky. McKay pushed passed Ronon to make a scan of the room.

The bartender was leaning against the bar and chatting to some blond girl and there were a few other people milling around. A group sat at a table laughing about something one of then had said and a couple in the corner were arguing in hushed voices. They spotted Sheppard sat in one of the booths. He didn't see them at first. He was leant forward, head dropped, swirling his drink around and staring at it intently. He hadn't even changed.

They crammed into the booth, sitting either side of him and Sheppard finally looked up blearily.

"Rodney? Ronon?" he smiled and settled his drink onto the table, hands uncoordinated and slow, "What are you doing here?"

Mckay looked around the bar nervously and then back to Sheppard, "We've come to get you."

Sheppard looked to Ronon for confirmation.

"I didn't call you."

They sat in an uncomfortable silence and McKay didn't know how to fill it. He wasn't sure what was going on with Sheppard and why he had come here to apparently drown his sorrows.

"Why are you here?" he asked instead, careful not to put his elbows in the sticky substance all over the table.

Sheppard picked up his glass again and sat back, eyes focusing lazily, "Not on duty," he said.

"Correct me if I'm wrong Colonel but you don't usually spend your downtime getting hammered."

"What do you know about what I _do_, Rodney?"

McKay didn't miss the strange tone of his voice. It was one of restrained vitriol.

"Well whatever's wrong and I know something is….you're not going to find the answer at the bottom of a glass."

Sheppard drained the last of his whiskey and then made a show of inspecting the bottom, "You're right Rodney. The answer's not in here. I'll try the next one…Ronon….Jack Daniels."

"Don't get him another-" but Ronon was already up and heading for the bar, "-you need money you idiot…" and he slid out after him.

At the bar Ronon was ordering two of whatever Sheppard was having. He looked over his shoulder, watching Sheppard sit there, head down, looking utterly miserable.

"What are you having?" Ronon was asking him.

"Water," McKay said turning to the bar, "You're drinking?"

"Not driving…..although…"

"No Ronon, for the thousandth time, I am not going to let you drive us back."

Ronon pulled a face and handed all of the money McKay had been counting over to the Bartender. McKay fought the urge to complain that he just handed the Bartender a ridiculously oversized tip for doing nothing.

"I've never seen him like this…..aside from that one mission where he accidentally got drunk on the ceremonial wine."

Ronon passed him his drink and nudged his side, "You have no idea what he gave up for you do you?"

"What are you talking about? The wraith right? Oh come on……..that was accident. He said so. Is that why he's feeling bad?"

Ronon shook his head and left him standing at the bar.

Sheppard practically ripped the drink out of Ronon's hands and half was already gone by the time McKay sat beside him again.

"Thanks," he said rubbing at his face and leaning on the table again.

This wasn't right, McKay told himself. Sheppard was far too quiet; maudlin even.

"You know…" and Sheppard looked up, eyes shiny and wide, "…even with all that military training they never tell you…." He paused and wet his lips, "…..just how easy it is."

Ronon had already downed his drink. He was such a philistine sometimes.

"What's easy?" McKay asked, just to fill the crippling tension between the three of them.

"To kill."

Sheppard leaned forwards again and buried his head in his arms, one hand poking out to hold onto his drink, "Whether it's pulling a trigger," the muffled voice elaborated, "or flicking a switch or…….handing over photographs…..it's all so easy."

"Sheppard I…"

Sheppard straightened up, "I remember the first time I killed-"

And people were staring at them as Sheppard raised his voice a little.

"I was seven. There was this bird nesting in a tree and I…..I threw rocks at it."

"_Sheppard_."

"I think I hit it on my tenth try. Knocked it clean out of the tree. Poor guy didn't stand a chance. You know, if I hadn't have done that…who knows…..it might have had a family, settled down-"

"I was twelve. Drafted into the war at a young age. Snapped this guys neck clean-" Ronon stopped speaking at McKay's gestured protestation.

"Seven," Sheppard repeated.

Mckay finally reached out and touched his shoulder and was shocked to find him trembling a little.

"We should take you back."

Sheppard twisted out of his grasp and gulped down some more of his drink, "I'm fine. Why don't you head back? I'll follow later."

"I'm not sure you can just hail a cab to the SGC," McKay stated, glad he had been pulled out of bed for this. Sheppard seemed broken.

"They can drop me half way…only a couple of miles."

Ronon had remained quiet throughout their exchange and finally Sheppard turned to him, giving him one of those conspirative looks that they had been sharing a lot of lately, "You didn't tell him, did you?"

And McKay didn't know if that was an accusation or a plea.

"No."

Sheppard made a kind of choked sound, like he was laughing and pushed himself up as he downed the last of his whiskey.

"Where are you going?"

"Restroom," Shepard informed him, near trampling on him as he climbed out.

He wandered off in the direction of the restrooms. He walked straight into the back of someone's chair and apologized as he moved off, leaving the man gawking at him.

McKay turned to Ronon, "Tell me what?"

"If you haven't figured it out yet…..I don't want to tell you."

"You know…I drove you out here in the middle of the night when I should be with Jeannie, you should be grateful and I'm not sure I like you keeping secrets from me. _Team_, remember?"

Ronon refused to meet his eyes.

"What is wrong with Sheppard?"

"Like I said."

"Does it have something to do with what you said earlier? About that wraith and Wallace? Come on it was an accident. He said!"

"Figure it out for yourself McKay."

They sat staring at one another, McKay growing angrier and angrier as time went by.

Sheppard arrived back at the table, wobbling on his feet and clearly exhausted.

"You okay?" Mckay asked.

Shepard wiped his mouth and shook his head, "Threw up. Time to head back."

McKay wanted to retort that he better not throw up in his car but he didn't. He just helped Ronon as they supported Sheppard between them. He could still walk; he wasn't that far gone, but he was still leaning on them heavily.

Once they were out in the parking lot, Sheppard turned to him and broke away from them, doing a little backwards sidle as he struggled with his equilibrium. He reached into his shirt pocket and pushed something into McKay's hands.

"Almost forgot," he said.

Ronon walked with him back to the car and McKay stared down at the photos in his hand.

_To kill is easy… flicking a switch or…….handing over photographs…..it's all so easy …….you have no idea what he gave up for you do you?_

Mckay swallowed back the sudden nausea he felt and stared dumbfounded at the photos. He'd been denying it. All it took was the proof.

He suddenly knew what Sheppard had given up for him.

_A/N: This was written as a filler for the episode Miller's Crossing. It occurred to me that McKay might have been in denial about what he had seen in that lab and maybe it took someone else to realize what Sheppard had done for him. Hope you liked it and as always, I appreciate feedback._


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